{"id":6300,"date":"2024-04-30T16:15:55","date_gmt":"2024-04-30T20:15:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/?p=6300"},"modified":"2024-05-01T10:56:59","modified_gmt":"2024-05-01T14:56:59","slug":"scenes-from-6909-by-dermot-louchart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/2024\/scenes-from-6909-by-dermot-louchart\/","title":{"rendered":"SCENES FROM 6,909′ by DERMOT LOUCHART"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0an artifact from jerusalem has been brought to mass. i am kneeling in front of it and<\/span>
crying. i ask god why he made me bad so that he would not love me. my youth leader tells me<\/span>
after that i should enter the seminary, with how my devotion moved me so quickly to tears. i nod<\/span>
politely.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0the people around me are talking about imposter syndrome. i feel bad for them. they are<\/span>
all good people. not like me.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i have a mustache drawn on my face and i am doing a spanish accent in a pinstriped suit.<\/span>
this is the most i\u2019ve felt like a person in months.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0my babysitter\u2019s daughter and i are playing dress-up. she doesn\u2019t have any \u201cboy<\/span>
costumes\u201d. i wear a tutu. i feel pretty.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i am wearing a suit. i do not like how the collar feels on my neck. it feels like if anyone<\/span>
wanted to hurt me they could grab my tie and do the job very easily. i have been dragged to this<\/span>
event by the people on the debate team. i will not give any speeches during the congress sessions<\/span>
out of spite.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i am 13. i believe i more or less understand the world in its entirety. everything i currently<\/span>
believe to be dichotomous is actually spectral.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i stare up at the dragon model hanging from my ceiling. it has been there for years. i am<\/span>
21 and this is the last summer i will spend in this room. i feel a tear run down the side of my<\/span>
head. i roll over and go to sleep.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i tell my parents i want to use they\/them pronouns. my mother is crying. my father won\u2019t<\/span>
look at me. i go back to my room.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0the priest tells me that les miserabl\u00e9s is about obedience. i think he and i did not read the<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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same book. he tells me that in the bible when jesus spoke to the woman at the well he was saying<\/span>
that divorced and remarried people are condemned to hell. i think he and i did not read the same<\/span>
book.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 i am sitting on the couch with my brother. my father comes home from work. he still<\/span>
won\u2019t look me in the eye. he asks how my brother\u2019s day was. it was good. he asks me how my<\/span>
day was. he still won\u2019t look at me. my day was fine.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 the road has a big sign in three languages that says \u201cturn back now\u201d. we do not. we drive<\/span>
to a small pullout and climb partway up the mountain. the lake behind us is clear and cold. the<\/span>
valleys in front of us are green in a way that seems impossible. i put my arm around my brother.<\/span>
we stand in silence for a few minutes.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 rehearsal is over. i sit in the history department teacher\u2019s lounge having a panic attack.<\/span>
five minutes ago my drama teacher was holding a gun to my head. five minutes before that it was<\/span>
my partner. last week we were told we wouldn\u2019t choreograph this final scene until the day before<\/span>
we open. it is a month before we open. why is it so important to do this today?<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0it is midnight. i am eating cotton candy ice cream from dairy queen in the parking lot of a<\/span>
target that has been closed for two hours. if i had a nickel for each time i was here after being<\/span>
broken up with on snapchat i would have two nickels.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201ci support the lgbtq+ community. am i going to hell?\u201d<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cwell, i certainly hope you aren\u2019t going to hell. but lgbt people are disobeying the rules<\/span>
that god has set for us, and that is a sin.\u201d the priest is smiling. the girl who asked the question is<\/span>
not smiling anymore. i think he and i did not read the same book.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i get a phone call. i will not be going into debt to go to college. it is almost spring break. i<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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have lead roles in two shows. life is good. it is two days before the world stops.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0it is the second grade. the nurse tapes a note for my parents to my chest. it tells them that i<\/span>
am overweight and have been since kindergarten. she thinks i will not read the note before giving<\/span>
it to my parents. she is wrong. my body is bad. food is bad. i am bad.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i am the front man for the weezer cover band geezer. i do not look just like buddy holly,<\/span>
but i can hit the high harmonies on \u201csay it ain\u2019t so\u201d and \u201choliday\u201d. we play one performance, at<\/span>
the guitarist\u2019s 45th birthday party.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i do not know what gay means. it must be bad, though. it\u2019s what people call me when<\/span>
they are upset with me at school. i hope i am not gay.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i am third place in the state vocal competition in the musical theatre category. my prize<\/span>
money is $5 less than the entry fee.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0the sign says \u201cgod hates fags\u201d. i am pretty sure that god not hating people is his whole<\/span>
deal. many of the people in my church agree with the sign. i think they and i did not read the<\/span>
same book.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i learn how to play the ukulele so that i can make music jokes while playing dungeons<\/span>
and dragons.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 i am propped against the wall in my dorm bathroom. my vision is going dark and i am<\/span>
trying not to pass out. i think my fingernail scratched the back of my throat this time. i flush the<\/span>
toilet and walk to the scale. not enough. i\u2019ve only lost 50 pounds this year.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 i am in the marching band. my back feels like it is on fire. i trip and fall. my band director<\/span>
tells me to stop being lazy and do the set. i stand back up and get a new reed for my clarinet.<\/span><\/p>\n

everyone my age who i went to church with as a child is either gay or homophobic or<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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both.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0it has been an entire season of little league baseball and i have not been able to get a hit. i<\/span>
am the last batter in the final game of our playoff season. the ball almost hits me. the umpire says<\/span>
it was a strike. i swing at the next one. another strike. the final pitch is far outside. the umpire<\/span>
calls it another strike. i am out and the season is over. we lose the game. we do the after-game<\/span>
high five line. when my teammates get to me, i say \u201cgood game\u201d. they say \u201cit\u2019s your fault\u201d<\/span>
before moving on to say \u201cgood game\u201d to the person behind me. i am angry that i missed the<\/span>
weird al concert for this.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0my mother cries every time we talk about me. i don\u2019t take it personally. my mother also<\/span>
cries at beer commercials. she thinks that there were no signs of this before i told her. i do not<\/span>
know what to say to that. she tries very hard to use the right words to talk about me. she asks me<\/span>
often whether i have anything new to tell her about my identity. i do not know what to say to<\/span>
that, either.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0the priest at our old church has driven my father away. we try lots of other churches. at<\/span>
one of them, the priest tells us that it\u2019s easier to come out as a \u201cblue-haired homosexual who uses<\/span>
pronouns that don\u2019t exist\u201d than to tell people that you are a christian. we do not go back to that<\/span>
church.<\/span><\/div>\n
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\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0there is a short moment of silence at the end of the show. i lay dead on the ground, with<\/span>
my wife dead in my arms. toby finishes the final monologue of the piece, and the lights go dark.<\/span>
for a moment, we are all living together in the same experience. then i get up and run offstage<\/span>
left. i have to be ready for bows by the time the lights come back on.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0my father is known as an accepting and safe teacher to come out to at my high school. he<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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hangs the flags of all of his exchange students in his classroom alongside the rainbow flag and<\/span>
the trans pride flag. i watch my friends and peers flock to his classes as an elective where they<\/span>
know they will be respected. he still won\u2019t look me in the eye. i wonder what i did wrong.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i watch the entire lord of the rings extended editions in a day while cuddled up to my best<\/span>
friend. it is the best weekend i have had in months.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i made up a world and every week five of my friends come and hang out with me in it to<\/span>
roll dice and fight monsters.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0my father used to run the music at our church. i used to help him out with the sound<\/span>
system and also sing. i liked doing the music at mass far more than i liked going to mass. it made<\/span>
people happy.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0my parents and i have an unspoken \u201cdon\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell\u201d rule about my religious views. i<\/span>
think they know that i don\u2019t feel safe or comfortable going to church anymore. i don\u2019t think we\u2019ll<\/span>
ever talk it through.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0i think my parents are trying. they come to visit me. my dad wordlessly hands me a small<\/span>
pin. it says \u201cthey\/them\u201d on it. he does not address it for the rest of the weekend.<\/span>
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0we finish bows for our performance, a labor of love for the past year and a half. the<\/span>
modest crowd cheers and stands to applaud. my mother cries, but they are tears of pride. my<\/span>
father looks me directly in the eye, smiling. i think we will be okay.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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  <\/p>\n

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\n\t\t\tDermot Louchart (they\/them) is a senior at the University of Arizona studying English, Creative Writing, and Theatre Arts. They are a co-founder of Al Dente Lute Productions, and starred recently as themself in the group’s inaugural production of “The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)”. When not out searching for buried treasure or making a fool of themself on stage, Dermot can usually be found hunched over a laptop frantically typing or lying down trying to alleviate the back problems stemming from the aforementioned hunching.\n\t\t<\/div> \n\t\t\t<\/div> \n\t\t<\/div> <\/div>\n
<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0an artifact from jerusalem has been brought to mass. i am kneeling in front of it andcrying. i ask god why he made me bad so that he would not love me. my youth leader tells meafter that i should enter the seminary, with how my devotion moved me so quickly to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[318,319],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6300"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6300"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6300\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6679,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6300\/revisions\/6679"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6300"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6300"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/projects.sjf.edu\/angles\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6300"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}