Because the Brazilian man was my boyfriend’s first choice.
Because they shared a connection.
Because they were both Latinos.
Because my boyfriend trusted him, I did too.
Because he was being nice to me.
Because I was receptive of his signals.
Because they wanted a piece of me.
Because I wanted a piece of them.
Because I was always hungry for more.
Because my boyfriend introduced me to the Brazilian man.
Because I wanted to have fun.
Because there weren’t any secrets left between us.
Because I didn’t want to be alone.
Because I would have done anything to make him happy.
Because what else could be our purpose in this world?
                                                                                                                ––So, who’s this?
                                                                                                                ––I like your taste.
                                                                                                                I like how you taste.
Because my mother taught me to be obedient.
Because their pleasure was my pleasure.
Because I didn’t want to be an outcast.
Because I wanted to be liked.
Because I wanted to be loved.
Because I wanted to belong.
Because I didn’t.
                                                                                                                Ah. I love you.
Because I wanted to get high.
Because I could get high.
Because I didn’t have anything to do.
Because I was alone, even when I wasn’t.
Because I was lonely in a crowd.
Because I wanted to break the norm and go buck wild crazy.
Because no one knows what buck wild crazy is.
Because I wanna be buck wild crazy.
Because I couldn’t live like a robot.
Because the fading façade wasn’t going to imprison me.
Because my weak heart craved any sort of love.
Because my feeble mind craved this sensation.
Because my soul craved its other half.
Because if we aren’t special, should we deserve rewards?
                                                                                                                Paul invited us over. We’re going to have so much fun!
                                                                                                                ––But what if I don’t want to go?
                                                                                                                You need to come out and interact with people.
                                                                                                                ––Aren’t we going to get high?
                                                                                                                Nah, I’ve got that under control. We always have fun.
                                                                                                                ––I become awkward…
                                                                                                                Do you want to do this, or not?
                                                                                                                ––I’ll strip down.
Because I didn’t wanna upset him, I withdrew from the conversation.
Because when we go over to Paul’s, we are more sociable.
Because it was about to go down.
Because we were about to be given our own pedestals, placards and positions.
Because that was the routine—puff, puff and pass.
                                                                                                                Here. Take a sip of this.
                                                                                                                ––I don’t wanna wind up really fucked up.
                                                                                                                Don’t be a buzzkill, take a gulp!
                                                                                                                ––I don’t wanna….
                                                                                                                Fuck all that!
                                                                                                                ––Eh, Fuck it!
Because Paul broke bread with us.
Because we were grateful.
Because we were getting high.
Because they let go of their inhibitions, I let go of my clothes.
Because I accepted their conditions.
Because I was horny.
Because I loved being touched.
Because they always invited others over.
Because the night would always be young.
Because if I had kept my not-so-sober word, I could’ve been dead.
Because my mind had its issues.
Because I wasn’t going to face them.
Because I did have a choice.
Because I thought I did.
                                                                                                                We should totally play Russian Roulette.
                                                                                                                Of course not! But let’s get you naked.
                                                                                                                ––As you say.
Because I didn’t need permission.
Because I had no curfew.
Because I wouldn’t have to sneak out.
Because I was young and beautiful.
Because I was good-looking.
Because I was healthy.
Because I was exotic.
Because I was willing to.
Because I was wanted to.

Because I didn’t think twice.

                                                                                                                Come here, do this line off Paul’s tits.
                                                                                                                ––Fuck yeah!
                                                                                                                Ooh! Boy, you look sexy.
                                                                                                                ––Thank you, Daddy.
                                                                                                                Paul, I’m getting you another worshipper tonight!
                                                                                                                ––Are you inviting the Brazilian man?
Because the Brazilian man chose me to be his partner.
Because my boyfriend let me be with him.
Because no one would’ve denied me the opportunity to satisfy their carnal desires.
Because I was the complete package.
Because I was pretty.
Because I was passionate.
Because I was pleasurable.
Because I was perfect.
Because I was, for him.
                                                                                                                Do that thing with your tongue.
                                                                                                                ––Oh, yeah.
                                                                                                                Don’t stop.
                                                                                                                ––You like that, Daddy?
                                                                                                                Does your boyfriend know that you’re an angel?
                                                                                                                ––Fuck yeah.
Because my boyfriend did.
Because I made sure he did.
Because he took care of me when I needed it.
Because I was broken then.
Because I didn’t wanna be fixed.
                                                                                                                Welcome to Crystal Meth Anonymous everybody.
                                                                                                                Let’s start by introducing ourselves.
                                                                                                                ––Hello everyone, I’m *****.
                                                                                                                –– I’ve been sober for 27 days.
Because I wouldn’t have made those decisions.
Because they lied about what we were doing.
Because my body forced me to agree.
Because I lost all control over me.
Because I couldn’t say no.
Because that’s not me.
                                                                                                                Buddy, where you at?
                                                                                                                Wanna get fucked?
                                                                                                                ––Who you got over?
                                                                                                                The dealer and a couple of friends.
                                                                                                                We got party favors.
                                                                                                                ––Hell yeah!
                                                                                                                See ya soon.
Because I was free that day.
Because my boyfriend wasn’t home.
Because that was my only chance to get high.
Because Bud called me over.
Because I was Bud’s best friend.
Because they wanted me over.
Because they had supplies.
Because they wanted to share it with me.
Because I loved getting fucked.
Because I was wanted by them.
Because this was a sign.
Because I couldn’t afford the drugs.
Because I got fired.
Because I wasn’t in the best place in my life.
Because I didn’t mind any sort of trouble.
Because I was troubled.
                                                                                                                ––Honey, I’m sleeping at Bud’s tonight.
                                                                                                                ––He’s a little sick, just looking out for him.
                                                                                                                Ahh, take care of him.
                                                                                                                ––Of course. Don’t worry.
                                                                                                                Love ya. Talk soon.
Because Bud invited me.
Because I was wanted to be wanted.
Because I wanted to go over.
Because I wanted to have fun.
Because I lied to my boyfriend.
Because the truth wasn’t good enough.
Because this wasn’t the first time.
Because this wouldn’t be the last.
                                                                                                                You want a hit of this?
                                                                                                                ––Yes Daddy.
Because I didn’t want to be sober.
Because sobriety is hard.
Because life is hard.
Because his penis was hard.
Because I didn’t like how my life was.
Because I set myself up.
Because I always set myself up.